Over the past year, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (Metro) has been doing repairs on their subway lines, called “Safe Track.” During this period, stretches of the different Metro lines have slowed service considerably or closed them entirely for weeks on end. During this period, Lyft and Uber drivers such as myself have made lots of money ferrying frustrated commuters back and forth to operational Metro stations or their offices. During rush hour, one could easily command high surge pricing. As you can imagine, this has been quite a financial boon to us.
But now, Safe Track is coming to an end. This will mean lost money for us Uber and Lyft drivers. It is often cheaper for commuters to ride the Metro than pay us. Furthermore, the Metro is subsidized by the evil governments of Virginia, Maryland, and the District of Columbia. This is hardly fair. Surely, you can see how this would be bad for America.
Mr. President, in order to Make America Great Again, I insist you demand the Metro to immediately cease their repairs. Further, they should be required to rip out all the repairs they’ve already done, redo them, and then rip them out again just before being finished. This cycle should be done into perpetuity. This would have the duel effect of keeping Lyft and Uber drivers’ incomes high and keeping construction jobs in the area which would otherwise disappear once the work is done.
Some commuters might object to this, saying that the costs of their commutes are already too high. Don’t listen to them! They’re just being greedy. They don’t care about America.
Some businesses might object and say the high cost of commutes may force them to relocate outside of the area. Don’t listen to them! They just want to protect their bottom line and don’t care about us workers.
Some economists might object and say that the dearth of transportation options is a cost, not a benefit, to the DMV. Don’t listen to them! They’re just in the pockets of Big Business.
Mr. President, for the sake of our jobs and incomes, I demand the above actions be taken!